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A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her:
-   Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?' 
-   Are you nuts?
She replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. He asks again: 
-   Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?
-   Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it? 
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again; 
-   Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars? 
She thinks about it for a while and says,
-   Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there. 
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. 
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks:
-   Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?
-   No!  'Costs too much!"

 

When I was born, I was given a choice:  A big  dick or a good memory... I don't remember what I  chose.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
A wife is a sex object.   Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
Impotence:   Nature's way of saying:  'No hard feelings....'
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:  'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used  together.
Panties:   Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on  earth.
There are three stages of sex in a man's life:  Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Virginity can be cured.
Virginity is not dignity, it's just a lack of opportunity.
Having sex is like playing Bridge.  If you don't  have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q:  What's an Australian  kiss?
A:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down  under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

Q:  What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A:  Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

Q:   Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A:  Breasts don't have eyes.

Despite the old saying:  'Don't take your troubles to bed'.        Many men still sleep with their wives!!

 

Three nuns were attending a rugby final.. Three men were sitting directly behind..  
Because their habits were partially  blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get  annoyed enough to move to another area..
In a very loud voice, the first guy  said, "I think i'm going to move to sydney ... There are only 100 nuns living there.." Then the second guy spoke up and said,  "I want to go to Tasmania .. There are only 50 nuns living there.." The third guy said, "I want to go to New Zealand ... There are only 25 nuns living there..."  
One of the nuns turned around, looked at  the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "why  don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there!"  

 

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you gotta admit I have one hell of a mustache!"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:  'Take only ONE .. God is watching.'

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