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62. One  day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind  him, "My elbow hurts  like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend  that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you  what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs  ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a  urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten  dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours  the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer  ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for  shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples  from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe  hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The  computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a  water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get  her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get  a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will  never get better! 
Thank you for shopping @  Wal-Mart 

63. President Gorbachev at a news conference in London, was asked by a reporter:
- "President Gorbachev, what effect on history do you think it would have had if, in 1963, President  Krushchev had been assasinated  instead of President Kennedy?"  
Gobachev thought for a moment and replie:
-  "I don't think Mr. ONASSIS would have married  Mrs. Krushchev."

64. An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.  The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

65. Husband Store : A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the "New Husband Store" to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on   the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help   with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor…

Floor 6 – The sign read:
You are visitor number 51,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for visiting the Husband Store.”

66. Wife Store: The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

67. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."

68. A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"
His father replied, "Look, son,our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected  in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

69. The Pentagon recently found it had too many Generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any General who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured, in a straight line along the retiring general's body, between two points he chose.
The first General accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes: 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second General asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes: 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first General had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.
The Medical Officer attended and asked the General to drop 'em and he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the General's penis and began to work back. "My God!", he said, "Where are your testicles?" The General replied, "Back in Vietnam."

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