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Truyện Cười - Truyện Tiếu Lâm

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a  life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses  his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
  (a) In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. 
  (b) In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
  (c) In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
   Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient times, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens every time, son, and EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America,
  the rest cheat in.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
19. Marriage is when man and a woman becoming one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the 'Y' becomes silent.
21. I married Miss Right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
24. A man was complaining to a friend:
-  I had it  all, money, a beautiful  house, the love of  a beautiful woman, then pow! It was all gone.
-  What happened, asked his friend.
-  My wife found out.
25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
      HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another:
 -  Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?
 The other replied:
-  Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.
27. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
30. When a man opens the door of his car for   his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car   is new or the wife is.
31. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.
Q.  How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.
Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A.  So the French government could to flee to London.
Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're   attacked from behind!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun
Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German
Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

95. I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore  very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than
a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm  going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."    
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said ,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

96. Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there  lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both  were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the  forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped  over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a  bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to  hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,  since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK,"  replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have  been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I  could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're  covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you  have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious  excitement. "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same  way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,  "Well,  you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no  backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a unit head or possibly  someone in senior management.

97. By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.  She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." She is soft," the Lord agreed,  "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected,  "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing. And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness,  love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.  Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you                to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals.  They give moral support to their family and friends.  Women have vital things to say and everything to give. However, if there is one flaw in women,  it is that they forget their worth.

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