97.
1. There are 3 male and 1 female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?
The one without the rubber.
2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend. The phone rings: 'Yes'.. OK, Bye'.
She turns to her lover and says: that's my hubby. he says he's now golfing with you.
3. Three roosters: one normal, one retarded and one gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle- dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock- a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
4. Three guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi, I'm Peter, not a SAINT.
I'm Paul, not a pope.
I'm John, not a baptist...
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary, not a virgin.
5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Taste good at any time.
Mistresses are Tom Yum. Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently.
Wives are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing else to eat!
6. An Income tax officer asked a prostitute why she puts her occupation as chicken farmer.
She replied: I raised 5,000 cocks last year!
7. Yesterday news: A nun jogging at Jogger' Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today news: Nearly 100 nuns found jogging at the park.
98.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
99.
A woman walked into an antique store that was down the street from her home. As she wondered around the store the clerk asked her what she was interested in. She said she was interested in buying a mirror. He showed her a couple mirrors then told her he had a special, magic mirror in the back. She laughed, and said yeah, right! He showed her to the mirror and told her: All you have to say is 'Mirror Mirror on the door' then asked for anything. She gave it a try.
Mirror Mirror on the door---Make my breast a 44
'KABOOM'
She had some huge breast
she ran down the street to her house to show her husband. He seen her and said 'damn, what the hell happened'? she told him of the magic mirror on the corner. He raced out the door headed to the antique shop. As he arrived he told the clerk he wanted to try the magic mirror. The clerk took him out back where the mirror was and told him what to say. The man looked at the mirror and said Mirror Mirror on the door—make my penis touch the floor
'KABOOM'
His legs fell off.
100.
- Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
- Ask your mother.
- How do you embarrass an archeologist?
- Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
- What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
- A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party, except you.
- What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
- Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
- What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
- A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
- What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
- What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
- No one to talk to during orgasm.
- What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
- A mechanic.
- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
- The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
- The one who can eat the last donut.
- Jewish dilemma:
- Free PORK.
- The three words men hate to hear most during sex:
- Are you in?
- The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
- Honey, I'm home!
101.
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE RAISE
102
Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'..... .
Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Every time'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got
a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and
confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend overthere,
is also my son, that's confidential! '
Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do youcontrol
your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrus
103
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa inhospital.
'How are you grandpa? He asks.
'Feeling fine,' says the old man.
'What's the food like?'
'Terrific, wonderful menus.'
'And the nursing?'
'Just couldn't be better. These youngnurses really take care of you.'
'What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?'
'No problem at all nine hours solid every night.At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it. I go out like a light.'
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
'What are you people doing,' he says, 'I'mtold you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely thatcan't be true?'
'Oh, yes,' replies the nurse. 'Everynight at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stopshim from rolling out of bed.'
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