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Truyện Cười - Truyện Tiếu Lâm

146.

1. A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man  tells her that she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are  closed.

2.  One good way to reduce alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD.
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY.

3.  Three fastest means of communication:
1.  Tele-Phone
2.  Tele-Vision
3.  Tell to Woman
Need still faster - Tell her not to tell any one.

4.  Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman.
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: be specific

6.  What is best and worst news you can hear at the same time?
It is when your girlfriend says you are the best kisser among all your friends.

7.  Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an elephant coming towards them.
Ant 1 says: we should kill him.
Ant 2 says: No, let us break his leg alone.
Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says: No, we will leave him because he is alone and we are four.

8.  If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

9.  Question: When do you congratulate someone for their mistake?
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10.  When your life is in darkness, pray god and ask him to free you from darkness.
Even after you pray, if you’re still in darkness - Please pay the electricity bill.

11.  Why government does not allow a man to marry 2 women?
- Because per constitution, you can not punish twice for the same mistake.

12.  'A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is not what it is built for' - Albert Einstein

147

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up hers, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

148.

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning her to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

149.

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy:
- Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says:
- That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her either.
The old guy says:
- Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says:
- Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?
The old timer says......
- Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours

150.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. 
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough. 
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. 

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