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208.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob 's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.  I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'


A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.  Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends  $1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession..'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again;you're in MY closet now.'


1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man  tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are  CLOSED.

2.  One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before  Marriage: Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage: Drink whenever you  are HAPPY

3.  Three FASTEST means of Communication:
1.  Tele-Phone
2.  Tele-Vision
3.  Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4.  Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and the Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC

6.  What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It  is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7.  Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says: we should KILL him. Ant 2 says: No, Let us break his Leg only. Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him ALONE because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8.  If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOMEthing in your life.
If you HAVE a GirlFriend - You are missing EVERYthing in your life.

9.  Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.

10.  When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
After you pray, if U R still in Darkness PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

11.  Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because Constitution can NOT PUNISH you TWICE for the same Mistake.

12.  "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is
built for" -  Albert Einstein

 

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and It won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted The following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

 

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.  'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

 

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

 

 

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