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Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"
"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"
To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"



Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."



Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.
They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,
"What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?"
And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "



A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, even for a cannibal. He asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?" And the New Yorker replies, "So much for your canoe!"



A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The woman leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...
"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"



"Old" is when...
1. your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
2. your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
4. you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
5. going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
6. you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
7. when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
8. when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
9. "getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
10. "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
11. an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

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