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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked:
-   Is my time up?
God said:
-   No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded:
-   I thought you said I had another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?
God replied:
-   I didn't recognize you!



I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.
Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
She asked:
-   What are you doing?
He responded:
-   Hunting Flies
-   Oh! Killing any?
-   Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,
Intrigued, she asked.
-   How can you tell them apart?
He responded:
-   3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

 

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending end, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

1. How do you decide who to marry? 
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.  -- Alan, age 10 
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.  -- Kristen, age 10 

2. What is the right age to get married?  
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 

3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married? 
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 

4. What do you think your mom and dad have in common?  
Both don't want any more kids.  -- Lori, age 8 

5. What do most people do on a date?  
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.  -- Lynnette, age 8  (isn't she a treasure?) 
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. 
 -- Martin, age 10 

6. When is it okay to kiss someone?  
-When they're rich.  -- Pam, age 7  
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7  
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.  - - Howard, age 8 

7.  Is it better to be single or married?  
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 

8. How would the world be different if people didn't get married?  
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 

9. how would you make a marriage work?  
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
The husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

Merianne and I went to breakfast at a local restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 
-   Sounds good,' Merianne said. 'But I don't want the eggs. 
-   Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 
-   You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' Merianne asked incredulously. 
-   YES!!' stated the waitress. 
-   I'll take the special then,' Merianne said. 
-   How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 
-   Raw and in the shell,' Merianne replied. 
She took the two eggs home and asked me to bake a cake. 

Wife:       'You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?'
Hubby:         'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'  
Wife:             'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby:           'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'


Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'  
Girl:     'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'


Son:     'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom:   'Well, you have done the right thing..'  
Son:     'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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