Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with. She thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said:
- This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties.
- That's nothing. Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
“I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room..
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
Simply read from bottom to top...
Two couples were playing poker one evening.. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, he asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to Operate on.The first surgeon says:
I like to see accountants on my operating table because when I open them up,
everything inside is numbered.
The second responds:
Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.
The third surgeon says:
No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.
The fourth surgeon chimes in:
You know, I like construction workers ...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the
butt are interchangeable
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who were not quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I will even let YOU decide who leaves.'
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. 'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of huge ice blocks, left over from the ice age of 2020. All he did was swing that sledge, time after time after time.
OJ replied: 'No, this is no good; "I have this problem with my shoulder I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break ice all day,' commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.' The devil smiled and said:
"OK, Monica, you are free to go"
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should ake one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.
Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a Gynecologist ........!!"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$250?" she cried, "$250 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat scan, it's now $250."
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