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Truyện Cười - Truyện Tiếu Lâm

19

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies
"I guess about 29."
The woman replies
"Nope I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds
"I am 50, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies
”Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says.
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies,
"Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise! I won't" she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's." He replies,

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20

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist. The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit."
Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."
Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."
Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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21.

A Cuban family in Miami was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they have to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! and there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the Fucking Cuban"!

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22.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying:
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." She says,
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

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23.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrups.
- "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says, angrily
- "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
- "Fine. "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
- "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
- "Fine. Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
- "I'm not a damm carpenter and I don't fix steps. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home. As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light working. As he goes to get a beer he noitces the fridge door fixed. He asks:
- “Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
- "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. A nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
- "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
- "Helloooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

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