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Truyện Cười - Truyện Tiếu Lâm

249.

A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

Three FASTEST means of communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell-a-Woman........
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness -Please PAY the ELECTRICITY  BILL

Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.


Question: Why the government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY two women.
Answer: Because per Constitution, you canNOT be PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.

« The man who gives in  when he is wrong ,” said the street orator,“ is a wise man ; but he who gives in when he is right is…”  
“ Married!” said a meek voice in the crowd.

  

Neighbor : “ I heard a big noise in front of your house 
 last night.What happened to you ?” 
Husband: “ It was nothing. My wife was a bit cross, and 
threw my overcoat out of the window.”
Neighbor : “ Your overcoat ? But how could it make such
a noise ?"  
Husband : “ I…I happened to be inside the coat.”

 

CEO: “ My wife made a millionaire out of me.”
Assistant: “ What  were you before ? ”
CEO :“ A multimillionaire.”

 

 Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;  that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.  

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.
    And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient
    mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.  
    Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).  
    And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake?  
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat  ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  
    If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you?  
A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  
       In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you?  

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
     You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach.  

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me?  
A:  Are you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure?  
A:  If swimming is good for your figure,  explain whales to me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape!  

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about  food  and diets. And  remember: 'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'
And For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.  

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.
2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese  drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red  wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.  
5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink whatever you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you.

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with hi s morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a procession like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law... She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "You'll have to get in line."

 

Defense  Attorney: Will  you please state your age?
Little  Old Lady: I  am 71 years old.
Defense  Attorney : Will  you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of  April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There  I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a  warm spring evening,
When  a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down  beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did  you know him?
Little Old Lady: No,  but he sure was friendly.
Defense  Attorney: What  happened after he sat  down?
Little Old Lady: He  started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did  you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No,  I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why  not?
Little Old Lady: It  felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some  30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What  happened next?
Little Old Lady: He  began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did  you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No,  I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why  not?
Little Old Lady: His  rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt  that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What  happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well,  by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell,  no!  He just yelled, 'April  Fool!' and ran off. And that's when I shot him .....the little bastard .    

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are  walking to  lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
 The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one  wish...'
 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I  want to be in the  Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
 Puff! She's gone.
 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want  to be in Hawaii,  relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of  Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
 The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
 Lesson 3
 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and  do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
 So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and  rested. All of a  sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that  tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my  droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him  enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
 Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly  perched at the top of the tree.  He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird  froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to  realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for  joy.
 A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow  dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

A woman goes to  Italy to attend a 2-week, company training  session. Her husband  drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good  trip. The wife answers :
"Thank you honey, what would you like  me to bring for  you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian  girl!!!" The woman kept quiet  and left.
Two weeks later he  picks her up in the airport and asks:
"So, honey, how  was the  trip?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my  present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked  for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what  I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!"

 

A  few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English  conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton...
The instructor told Mori "Prime  Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say  'How r u'." Then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?'  Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we,  translators, will do the work for you.'
It looks quite  simple, but the truth is....
When Mori met Clinton , he  mistakenly said 'Who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)
Mr.Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:  
'Well, I'm Hillary's husband, ha-ha...'
Then Mori  replied 'Me too, ha-ha... .'..
Then there was a long silence  in the meeting room!!!!!!

 

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'
'Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'
Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that.

 

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. 
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.'

 

During the Recession, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Recession, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk,he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

 

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.
'Sir,' she said 'You may use the ladies' room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
'What a nice feeling,' he thought. 'Mens' restrooms don't have nice things like this.'
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies' restroom was more than a restroom; it is a tender, loving pleasure treat. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes... He was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. 'The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.'
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

 

Dear Dad. 
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff , I $imply can't think of anything I need , $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end  me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

Dear Son.
I kNOw  that astroNOmy,  ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
                                                        

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my allright there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.”

 

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