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252.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said:
- Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said :
- What would you like to talk about?
- Oh, I don't know. How about nuclear power?
And he smiles.
- OK, That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first : A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says :
- 'Hmmm, I have no idea.
To which the little girl replies :
- Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.  I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... you don't even know the way to the Post Office."

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. 
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.. 
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. 
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' 
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' 
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' 

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"          

  • The survey was a huge failure because of the following:  
  • In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
  • In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
  • In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
  • In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
  • In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
  • In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
  • In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
  • And Finally . . . . . . . .
  • In Australia they hung up because they can't understand an Indian accent

 

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty


Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me...
signed,
J.P. Morgan

 

A guy is sunbathing nude at the beach. A little girl comes up to him, so he covers his privates with a newspaper. The little girl asks:
- What's under there?' 
The man answers:
- A bird. 
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor  and a policeman are at his bed, and the doctor  asks the man:
- Do you remember what happened? 
- I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.
The doctor turns to the policeman who explains:
- I asked the little girl what happened? And she said, “while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. Then it spit at me! ...so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed its two little eggs!!!”

 

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him  in an Australian home. After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to  visit Grandpa.
''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.
''It's  wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.
''We're so happy for you. We were worried  that this was the wrong place for you.  You know, since you are a little  different from everyone. ''
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about  how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile. ''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! There is a judge in  here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and  everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'! There's a dentist here -- 90 years  old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him  Doctor?! And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'.''

 

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