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Truyện Cười - Truyện Tiếu Lâm

262.

Little girl stuck in fence: 
Firemen and police from
the  Dix Hills, N.Y.  area,
all joined in a team effort
to rescue a young girl stuck
in steel fence.
It took several hours
 to extract her from her predicament. 
Fire Chief Stiffie said, '
This was a pretty tough rescue,
it took us quite a while to come up
with a plan to safely
extract her from the fence.' 

Although the girl's entrapment
was never life threatening
it did take careful planning
 and gentle handling
to safely remove her. 
She was taken to
an area hospital
where she was
examined and released. 
Poor thing,

 

this picture just about broke my heart. 
  
pic1 
  
  
God bless those great police
and firemen.
Heroes, one and all!!

 

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends:
-    My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic man chirps:
-    My son is a Bishop.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'.
The third Catholic gent says:
-    My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'.
The fourth Catholic man then says;
-    My son is the Pope.  When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies;
-   I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When my daughter walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

pic2

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?  
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.   
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.   
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.  
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.  
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! 
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you?

pic3

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

pic4Jesus

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her:
-    Why do you love doing that?
She replied:
-     Because I miss mine.

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked:
-   Are all of those kids yours?
He replied:
-   No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. 
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.. 
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead. 
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead 
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead 
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive 
So the Minister asked the congregation:
-    What can you learn from this demonstration? 
Ol' Maxine who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
-   As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms." 
That pretty much ended the service 

 

I was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital. I was surprised to see his neighbour another man on the bed next to me, in a still worse condition. I asked him what happenned. He started to explain his "adventure". He had gone to a remote village on some work and due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.
The owner replied, "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night.
The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went towards the next house and without taking any risks, asked, " Do you have "grown up" daughters?".
The owner asked, "Yes, why?" He replied, " I wanted to stay and sleep here for a night."

 

Three women die together in an accident  and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says,  
-   We only have one rule here in heaven:  Don't step on the ducks!
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,  and although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains them together and says: 
-   Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!    
The  next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, 
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.  He chains them together 
with the same admonishment as for the first woman. 
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, she is very, very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but  one day St. Peter comes up to her  with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ...... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 
-    I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity? 
The guy says,  
-    I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.


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