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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired..'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal’


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable..  When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long..  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: ' Happy Birthday !'
I fainted!!

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to    
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.  

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't  think much about it and  figured  maybe he had a cold or  something. But after Bill hadn't shown up  for a week or  so,  Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever  got together  was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he  was unable to find  out what had happened to him.  

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had  seen the last of Bill, but one  day, Sam approached the park  and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill ! Sam was very excited  and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,  'For crying  out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'  

Bill  replied, 'I have been in jail.'  
'Jail?' cried  Sam. 'What in the world for?'  
'Well,' Bill  said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde  
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'  
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I  remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed  rape charges against me; and, at 89
years old, I  was so  proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'
'The damn judge gave  me 30 days for  perjury.'  


A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch theGates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
“pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi", she replied


Queen Elizabeth, George Bush and Le Kha Phieu died and went all to Hell.

One day, Queen Elizabeth said:
I miss England , I wanna call England and see how everybody is doing....
she called and talked for  about 5 minutes...then she said:
well, devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil said:
five million dollars...
She wrote him a check.
George Bush was jealous. He yelled:
Me too I wanna call the United States ,
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said:
well, devil, how much do I owe you?
The devil said:
ten million dollars.....
He wrote him a check.

Phieu was envious. He asked discreetly:
Can I call Vietnam too! I miss my buddies up there.
He called Vietnam and he talked for about two hours. He kept talking talking and talking.... When finished he asked:
well, devil how much do I owe you?
The devil goes:
one dollar..... only one!
Phieu paid then wondered:
Why so cheap ?
The devil replied:
Well,  from hell to hell, it's a local call.


It was the first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar
Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg -1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1876.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
shit, now we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly:
'I think it was the American people"

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't  afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.   
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.   
As he is  going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are  up yet. She replies, 'No'.   
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'   
His  mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'   
His mom replies, 'Never mind what  you think! Eat your lunch and go back  to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' 
His mom says, 'No.'   
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'   
His mom replies,   'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they bothbrought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifthgrades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
   He said : 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
   She said : 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
   'Why?' he asked.
   She pointed to her lap and said : 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
   'Let me see' - he said.
   'Okay'  - and she pulled up her skirt.
   He looked and said : 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
   He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl: 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathersdown there too!'                           
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!


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