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210.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
-   Where have you been?  Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?  John  asked.
-   Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
-   Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.
-   We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie,  said Tommy.
-   What did you watch?,  asked Marsha.
-   The Ten Commandments, answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
-   I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
-   I am ashamed of you son, said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
-   Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the  last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and  leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Sarah . "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Sarah answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest  went for the Memorial Stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it ?"
"Two and a half carats.”


1. If you take an  Oriental person and spin him around several  times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from  Poland are called  Poles, why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy  infancy as much as adults enjoy  adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who  plays the piano called a pianist but a  person who drives a race car not called a  racist?
9. Why are a wise man  and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook  and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the  number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. "I am" is  reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
 language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest  sentence?
13. If lawyers are  disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald  men?
15. If 4 out of 5  people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that  one out of five enjoys  it?
16. Why do they put  pictures of criminals up in the post office?  What are we  supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put  their pictures  on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the  mail?
17. You never really  learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says,  "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
19. Last night I  played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door  went nuts.
20. Ever wonder about  those people who spend $3 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:  naïve
21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming  pool?


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.  
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife walked into the den and asked
"Whats on the tv?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”
And that's how the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

 

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.  Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.  Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.  She figures she would break him of this crazy habit.  So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.  She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.   She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'  The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 

  • I'll explain the toy.....You explain the kids.

 

Employee Rules and Regulations 

*Dress Code*
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise. 

*Sick Days*
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*Personal Days*
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby  photographer  happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in,  embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,  one on the couch,  and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living  room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't  work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one  every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven  angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his  time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be  disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their  mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to  the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep  to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're  ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

 

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