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Truyện Cười - Truyện Tiếu Lâm

276.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then
I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?


WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you

A Husband and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold.
The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home..
The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown.
Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold? 
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so...
Reporter: Has Mr.. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet......... ..and how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was...
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead! of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him...
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).
The reporter had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.  As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.  The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'  Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'  So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


Two letters:
To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta
with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime after the weekend.

 

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said:
-   I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear:
-   Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -  Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.' - Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' - James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. -  Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... - Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. -  Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' -  Anonymous

 

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

Saturday morning the man got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. He hooked up the boat to the van, then proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to hus wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible.."
He was startled to hear his loving wife of one year reply, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather?"


When he got home last evening, his wife demanded that he takes her some place expensive.
So he took her to a gas station.


A man took my wife to a restaurant. For some reason, the waiter took his order first..
-   I'll have the steak medium-rare, please…
The waiter asked:
-   Aren't you worried about the mad cow?
-   Nah. She can order for herself.


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees. She says to her husband:
-   I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
-   The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


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